here at bottled farts, we strain to offer you a product you simply cant get anywhere else. thanks to our sophisticated bottling technique, now you can surprise anyone with sbd (silent bottled death) to the face, anytime you want!
when we first set out to capture bottled farts, many naysayers -- one of whom was dr. alan bront, phd -- told us we were crazy. in fact, this is what dr. bront had to say when we first asked for his thoughts on capturing bottled farts:
"what you seek to do is, frankly, impossible! scientists have been attempting to capture bottled farts for decades, with no success. my advice to you is this: don't waste time, energy, and expenditure on what several world renown scientists have deemed impossible."
as dr. bront predicted, it took much time, diligence, and funding, but our amazing team has succeeded where others before us failed. we have discovered a complex formula which allows us to capture, ship, and deliver our bottled farts directly to you! our accomplishment makes us proud, which is why we happily exclaim...